


not as strong as you think i am (i'm no superman)

by DarchangelSkye



Category: American Idol RPF, Music RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: (fair warning that Gabe is a dick), Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - High School, Confrontations, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Gossip, Guidance Counselors, Happy Ending, Heart-to-Heart, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Language, NOT a suicide attempt, Nightmares, Parent-Child Relationship, Shopping, Sick Character, Tears, Teen love, True Love's Kiss, Wordcount: 5.000-15.000, medication overdose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-09-09 04:59:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8876944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarchangelSkye/pseuds/DarchangelSkye
Summary: (high-school!AU-verse)MacKenzie finds out about Dalton's bipolar diagnosis in just about the worst way possible, and has a lot to think about while his boyfriend recovers in the hospital.





	1. Chapter 1

As MacKenzie shuffled through his dresser to decide on a shirt, he heard the ringtone sound behind on him on his desk. "Huh?" That was odd, Dalton was more of a texter in the morning, usually of whatever outfit he'd picked that day to be a flirt. MacKenzie draped a shirt on his shoulder and unlocked the phone to answer. "H'lo?"

"MacKenzie, hello dear."

"Oh! Hi, Kiva."

There weren't many parents he knew of that would take well to being called by their first names- his would certainly never be on that list- but Dalton's mom and dad were among the ranks of "cool parents" that such an act felt like second nature. And they were understanding and actually listened on top of being cool, which was a plus.

Some people just got lucky.

"Dalton's staying home from school today, he's wondering if you can pick up his homework for him?"

"Oh." MacKenzie paused in the middle of buttoning his shirt. Funny, he seemed fine yesterday. "Yeah, I can do that. Is...it serious?"

"I think it's just one of those 24-hour bug things, but better safe than sorry." Kiva's voice dropped slightly, making Mack wonder if Dalton was close by. "Nothing's happened in school that would make him stay home on purpose, is there?"

"I...don't think so," he mulled over as he finished dressing. Of course it wasn't a perfect atmosphere at the school, since jerks still loved to make their rude comments in the hallways at anybody they even _suspected_ was "different", but Dalton usually had a smartass comeback on hand and would laugh about it later. At least no one was being physically harassed- or worse.

"Well, that's good," she sighed in relief. "I have to be at the bank by the time school's out, but I'll make sure the door's unlocked for you."

"No problem." MacKenzie hoisted his backpack onto his shoulder with a smile. Even if Dalton wasn't feeling well, seeing each other for a few minutes could hopefully make him a little happier.

***

It was likely just MacKenzie's imagination, but the school day seemed much quieter without one of its most personality-laden pupils around. At lunch he'd sent a quick _Be over later. Love you_ text, but it stayed unanswered.

 _He's probably just sleeping. No need to panic._ At any rate, he still managed to go around to the classes including the ones he didn't share with Dalton to pick up the needed assignments.

As promised, the Rapattoni front door was unlocked when MacKenzie bounded there after school, but the house also seemed eerily quiet. He started for upstairs to see if Dalton was maybe in his room when he heard a soft groan from the living room.

"Hmm?" He peeked around the doorway to see Dalton lying on the couch, hands on his stomach and a blanket draped on his pajama-clad frame. If anything, being sick barely dropped his cuteness by a percentage, but Mack knew when to be a caretaker. "Hi, babe."

Dalton rolled his head to lazily meet his boyfriend's gaze. "Is it four already?"

Grin. Yep, definitely asleep. "Yeah, it's four." He stepped into the living room and set the homework on the coffee table in front of the couch.

"Thanks-" Dalton shut his eyes and winced as he kept holding his stomach.

"Do you want a water or something?" Mack asked and had a fleeting wonder of if Dalton ever had anything done with his appendix.

But the boy shook his head. "Could you rub my hair? That always feels nice."

"Of course." He pulled up a hassock beside the couch and wove fingers into the familiar smooth mess of bleached locks. Dalton still held his stomach but at least his face seemed to relax. "There we go," MacKenzie murmured and leaned to sweetly peck his boyfriend's forehead. Was a little warm...

Dalton whimpered, whether out of illness pain or appreciation for the kiss was hard to tell, and settled further into the couch cushions. "Anything interesting I miss?" he asked listlessly.

MacKenzie chuckled and rubbed his fingers in smooth clockwise patterns. When an interesting person had to ask if anything interesting happened- "Well, uh, Mr. Cook had to break up a fight in the cafeteria between a couple freshman-" Dalton's mouth twitched in a possible smirk at that. "An' we ended up talking in GSA about trying to diversify the non-fiction section in the library, y'know, add some resources."

"Hmm..." Dalton shut his eyes in what MacKenzie liked to think was being lost in thought. He was usually pretty active in GSA, so there was no doubt the next day at school he'd bound right to Mr. Owen's office just spilling over with ideas. His wanting to help people was just one of the many things to love about him.

After a few minutes of hair rubbing, Dalton had been lying still enough to look like he'd fallen back to sleep until he laid a hand on his throat and whimpered again. Uh-oh- Mack drew his hand back and partially stood. "Dalt? Are you gonna throw up?" He could at least get the boy to the kitchen sink; not even the coolest of "cool parents" would be too thrilled about a sick mess on the carpet.

But Dalton rapidly shook his head back and forth. Like the rest of him seemed to be shaking now. That did not look good. "Should I call your mom?"

Apparently the wrong thing to say as Dalton quickly sat up and covered his face- sobbing?

Oh god. Tears. Not that MacKenzie had never seen Dalton cry before, but at least those times he knew what the cause was. This, what the hell was this? He tried staying calm as he sat beside Dalton and gathered the shaking body in his arms.

"Babe, what's wrong? You can tell me, it's okay." Maybe he'd been wrong and something had happened that Dalton wanted to avoid-

Dalton shuddered a breath and rubbed his eyes. "Really fucked up...took too many...y'gotta take me to the hospital, Mack."

MacKenzie felt his stomach clench in a sickening shock. There was only about one interpretation to that, one thing he could never think of Dalton doing and didn't want to say even as he exclaimed, "What do you mean took too many?!"

He didn't answer that directly, but stared with his pale green eyes that in MacKenzie's panicked imagination were getting paler.

"I don't wanna die..."


	2. Chapter 2

For the rest of his life, MacKenzie would not have a linear memory of getting Dalton to the emergency room. He knew there was practically carrying him to his car, pajamas and stocking feet and all, there was keeping the windows open for air, there was hands sweat-slicked on the steering wheel and remembering to stay on the goddamn road, there was Dalton in the passenger seat keeping his arms around himself and shaking even in this weather, and there was the relieving sight of the tall and pale grey stone building of the hospital. The moments just came in flashes and he'd wonder if he was seriously breaking down himself.

By stroke of luck the waiting room was nearly empty this time of afternoon, so two teenage boys coming in pale from panic was easy to get the attention of the woman at the front desk. "Goodness!" she exclaimed and stood when the pair approached.

MacKenzie's chest and lungs hurt like he'd just run a hundred laps around the court. He settled Dalton's feet to the floor while keeping an arm around his shoulder. "Something about taking too many..."

"Meds," Dalton's voice was whisper-soft and almost inaudible above the woman hitting the call button. "Gotta call my parents-" then he doubled over and clasped a hand to his mouth like he was actually was going to throw up this time.

"Dalton!"

"It's all right, dear," the woman assured as two men came in to get Dalton upright again and walk him- somewhere- with thankfully no protest. MacKenzie just watched his boyfriend gradually move farther and farther down the hall until he was barely a speck. He thought he'd see that in his nightmares forever.

"Looks like you brought him in just in time. Do you have his parents' number?"

"Um, yeah, I think, yeah." It took a couple of attempts with his hands still sweaty and mind swimming in cotton, but he managed to pull out the contacts on his phone to hopefully give what were Fran and Kiva's right cell numbers. When she picked up the desk receiver he knew he really had no choice now to but to sit and wait.

There was no way in hell he could leave Dalton alone in this place right now.

Mack collapsed into a chair padded by hard vinyl, his gaze dropping to the floor tiled in blue with a faint speckle pattern. Reality slowly started to settle back into his swimming head. Even if he just knew Dalton's parents would be here as soon as possible, the time of waiting would feel like an eternity. He reached for his phone again to do something he almost never did, calling home to let his parents know where he was.

It didn't come as any surprise that he reached the answering machine. He dropped the phone in his lap with a sigh after leaving the message, his vision blurring.

_Dalton could have died._

There it was, the truth out in the open. Even if Dalton ended up changing his mind...why would he think of even trying to do it in the first place? What could possibly be going on to make him believe that was his only option?

MacKenzie rubbed his eyes that were now stinging. Maybe it was boyfriend bias, but to him, Dalton was absolutely supposed to be alive. He was a living symbol of everything good and golden and bountiful and a beautiful presence, inside and out, to be around. He loved his family and friends and wanted them to be happy. He put all of his heart into the music he made and said so many times he was going to sing in a rock band or even on Broadway and touch people with his art. His volunteering activities in and out of school showed what a kind heart he had.

And Dalton just stood out, with his hip clothes and big smile and infectious laugh that would ring down the hallways. Even if you were one of the handful of jerks who didn't like Dalton you at least knew who he was and knew he filled a space somewhere. Why should that space go away?

Even the one day in school without him had been so quiet and empty, but for that emptiness to go on forever... MacKenzie wrapped his arms around his waist in empathetic pain and bit his lip.

He was right on the waiting feeling like an eternity before hearing two pairs of feet rush in. Arms clamped around his shoulders and at the familiar chemical scent of the hair dye Kiva liked to use he released a strangled sound of the sob he'd been holding back.

"Oh, honey..." Kiva stroked his hair and he raised his head slightly to see Fran at the front desk. He was a tall man with a big frame, rather much like his own father, but right now he looked just as shrunken and heartbroken as Mack felt. A few unheard words with the woman and Fran went down the same hall Dalton had gone, and MacKenzie limped into the embrace.

"You're a good boy, MacKenzie, thank you so much. I didn't even notice-" she cut herself off with a sniff.

He could sense the guilt of her leaving her son alone when the worst could've happened, but he didn't want to think about the horrible what-if, he just wanted the _what now_. "I didn't either," he muttered and shook his head.

It seemed another long while of waiting before Fran emerged again, this time with a doctor. Mack tried studying his expression; no blankness or tears, but the exhaustion like aging a few years...

"Dalton?-" Kiva started.

"He's stabilizing," Fran said quietly. "They had to induce vomiting but the pills are out." He took off his glasses to rub his eyes, and MacKenzie knew that was utter relief much like the knot untying in his own stomach.

"Are you Dalton's brother?" the doctor addressed him.

"Uh, no," he shook his head meekly. If family had to be talked with to plan whatever was going to happen, he obviously couldn't be in on that and would have to go home now-

"His boyfriend," Kiva spoke up. "He brought our son in and saved his life. He deserves to know what's going on." No reaction from Fran, so he must've felt the same way.

Fortunately the doctor gave a small smile. "Very well, then." The trio followed him down the opposite hall to an office, and MacKenzie kept hold to Kiva's hand the whole time like clinging to a teddy bear. Why did hospitals have to feel so cold?

The walls in the doctor's office- Dr. London- were lined with certificates and diplomas, and Mack saw the word 'psychiatry' leap out quite a few times. Made sense, considering what had happened. Once everyone was seated, London picked up a folder and turned a few sheets.

"We obtained the records from his family doctor after we called you for consent, and I did have a chance to speak with Dalton once his nausea had passed. He did have an excess dose of his medication, but it wasn't out of suicidal ideation, he felt his regular dose wasn't being as effective anymore. He'll likely have to be admitted for a few days for counseling and to have a new adult dosage regulated for his system."

Kiva's sentiment of "Oh, thank god," could've come from MacKenzie himself if he wasn't confused along with being happy. Dalton wasn't trying to kill himself, but- medication? Counseling? What was going on?

The confusion must have registered on his face, as Fran quietly asked, "He never told you, did he, son?" Mack just meekly shook his head again.

Dalton's parents looked to each other with a resigned sigh. Kiva clasped a hand over MacKenzie's, and for a bizarre moment he tried to remember if Mom had held his hand like this recently.

"Honey...when Dalton was nine, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder."

Shock hit over MacKenzie's system like he'd suddenly been splashed with ice water. He could feel his mouth hanging open stupidly as he tried to process this information. Dalton? _His_ Dalton was sick- like this? For half his life, no, his whole life? And of course the first thing he had to ask was "Is that...with the mood swings?" Stupid, stupid, stupid...

"That's one manifestation," Fran clarified. "Dalton's symptoms were more his emotions being on the extreme ends of the scale. We didn't think much of it when he was happy, because lord knows his sisters were rambunctious little kids as well, but when he was upset..." His trailing off told the rest of the story in a way that punched MacKenzie in the gut.

Kiva rubbed her eyes and continued, "He had to be out of school for a while as we took him to specialist after specialist and finally we knew what was going on. His therapy and meds helped to calm things down, and when he started his music lessons it seemed he had his outlet. There weren't any major issues then until...well, now."

Mack kept his mouth shut as he took all of this in. For a moment he thought that would explain things- but what things were there to explain? He'd seen Dalton sad sometimes, but hell, he'd been sad himself and that was nothing to do with- _that_ , everybody got sad once in a while. And Dalton putting so much passion into his music and acting couldn't mean anything either, there were just as many performers who didn't have troubles as those who did.

"I understand this is a lot to process, especially with being in a relationship," Dr. London spoke up. "Would you like me to pass you some reputable resources you can check out online?"

"Um, yeah, sure." MacKenzie pushed up his glasses to rub his eyes that were stinging again, and when his vision was back he could've sworn Fran and Kiva were looking at him...expectantly?

_Wait, they don't think I'm gonna dump Dalton, do they?_

And so help him, in that moment he didn't know what the answer could be.


	3. Chapter 3

The drive home was quiet, even with MacKenzie's thoughts. There was nothing left for him to do at the hospital; now Dalton's parents had so many arrangements to make it was best to just let them be. They reassured Mack they'd let him know about their son's condition when possible and profusely thanked him for being the hero.

"I don't feel like a hero," he muttered to himself and neared his driveway.

Huh, Mom and Dad's car was already parked. They were actually home. He could've pinched himself but he knew today was no long and crazy dream.

The scent of an ordered dinner hit his nose as he opened the door, at least that was familiar. "Uh, hello?" came out more tired than he intended.

Mom emerged from upstairs, smartly dressed as usual as if she'd already been planning to go out. "MacKenzie! You had your phone off and we couldn't call you back after your voice mail."

"Oh." Mack blinked. If it weren't for Mom's tone of voice he could've sworn he was being reprimanded. That certainly would've warranted pinching himself. "Yeah. Sorry."

"Is Dalton all right?"

MacKenzie nodded and just let his backpack slide off his shoulders as he slumped into his chair at the table, taking much of his willpower to not faceplant right into the food. He felt the hand on his shoulder, much lighter than Kiva's but had to be with the same intent, right?

"You did the right thing, dear."

At least that was less difficult to question than whether or not he was actually a 'good boy'.

***

Typically MacKenzie would have felt a little joy at having both parents around for dinner for once, but everything that happened today had shriveled his stomach and he only managed half his plate before pushing it away.

"I got a lot of reading to do for tomorrow, anyway," was his muttered excuse before going up to his room.

That ended up being a futile effort as well. Even with his American History textbook propped on his waist as he laid back, MacKenzie's eyes only slid over the text that had melted into so much gobbledygook. Thinking had become impossible, except thinking of Dalton now all by himself in that hospital.

With a sigh he pulled his phone from his pocket. There was some other important reading to do. If there'd been any sign he missed, anything at all, Mack had to know what to look out for.

He first browsed through a few months' worth backwards of texts and pictures from Dalton, carefully trying to read in between the lines and finding no clues. The only ones coming close were from when his grandmother had a health scare- and even then that was something normal to feel worried over, right?

MacKenzie ran a careful finger to underline the initial _World spinning, help_ text and then opened the web browser to Dalton's Tumblr. He personally preferred Instagram, but Dalton would like to send him screenshots of posts that were so stupid they were hilarious, or whatever the newest meme was, or even cute/sexy couple pictures accompanied by a smiley face or wink. But again, the only posts he could find that were even remotely sad were ones reblogged during said health scare.

Finally he began looking up the addresses Dr. London gave him, again reading everything carefully as possible. They outlined the differences between depressive and manic episodes, signs of what may happen to people during these episodes, and the various treatment options available. MacKenzie felt his eyes stinging for probably the dozenth time that day as he tried to imagine how it could possibly be for a _child_ to feel something wasn't right with them but they didn't know how to say it.

He hiccuped in place of a sob and rubbed a sleeve over his eyes. "Oh, babe..." he sighed in empathy for someone he loved so much that didn't deserve this.

And speaking of love, he read through a page about bipolar disorder and relationships. The written focus was more towards married couples than teenagers but the philosophies were basic enough about the other partner being respectful and understanding. Hell, he and Dalton were like that towards each other anyway.

The only blip in his stomach occurred was when he read the advice geared towards the partner with the disorder. It emphasized that as soon as the relationship looked to be getting serious that was information important to disclose as much as any other illness.

MacKenzie thought back to that moment, almost two years ago and he and Dalton were in the overlook in the park, sitting on the car engine and fingers lazily linking as they watched the sky. The only difficulty had that come up was that Mack wasn't out to his parents yet. Dalton hadn't taken the opportunity to...

Mack flopped back on his mattress, covering his face and sighing. _Did he fool me? Did he lie to me? How am I supposed to be feeling about this?_ Because the gnawing pain that had evolved from the blip didn't seem to be the answer.

He honestly tried to think. If Dalton had told him then, would he have been scared off and ran, or would he be doing what he was doing now, getting informed so he could understand much as he could? He tried to think it was the latter, but he'd still been a different person a couple years ago before gaining more confidence in himself.

"Shit, I'm the worst person ever," MacKenzie muttered to himself and rolled onto his side.

Visiting would be impossible since he wasn't a blood relative, and he doubted Dalton would have his phone with him either so no messages.

The best he could do for now was was cling to both hopes that Dalton would be out soon and MacKenzie could face this anxiety head-on.


	4. Chapter 4

MacKenzie honestly didn't want to go to school. He even waited until the last possible minute to get out of bed and get dressed, something else he almost never did. As he listlessly stared at his walls, plastered with colorful posters and game write-ups, he couldn't help thinking of Dalton having to wake up alone and facing plain white walls.

A quick check of his phone showed no new messages, not even from the Rapattonis.

This was going to be an incredibly long day.

Mom had already left for the work by the time he came downstairs, so it was just Dad at the table with coffee and the morning paper and who raised an eyebrow at his son shuffling into the kitchen nook.

"You sure you don't want to stay home today, son?"

"I do," MacKenzie muttered as he stuck bread into the toaster and rifled around in the cupboards for the peanut butter. "But it really wouldn't look good. I mean..." He rubbed a final bit of sleep-yuck from his eyes and looked his father over. Either his sleep-deprived brain was hallucinating things, or that was the same empathetic face he saw from Fran yesterday.

_It's gotta be what I'm seeing. Dalton said they still care about me, right?_

"I mean, people talk," he finished.

Dad nodded. "How about I drop you off on the way to work and you take the bus after? I don't think you're in the mood to drive right now."

Mack knew that almost anyone else in his class would balk at an offer like that. Being seen with your folks just wasn't "in", unless you struck it lucky and had cool parents like Fran and Kiva. But how often was he himself going to get this kind of offer?

"Okay."

***

The ride to school ended up being quieter than expected, but MacKenzie wasn't expecting Dad to be a chatterbox. The rush of the highway speeding by under him while he didn't have to drive just brought back vaguely pleasant memories of being in the backseat on long road-trips, especially if they were the ones where both Mom and Dad had to go on business and there was no one to watch him at home, so he got a few days off school and could watch the cities pass by through the window.

Things really did used to be simple.

If going into school yesterday was quiet, going in today was...cold. The temperature in the building usually was crisp, yet it had never made the hairs on the back of Mack's neck stand up before. But by the time he got to his locker, he pinpointed the source of the chill.

MacKenzie was used to people looking at him as he passed in the hallways whether or not Dalton was with him; being one of the more regarded members of the basketball team did that. But these weren't looks of admiration.

_I was right. People are talking. Somebody is talking. But who-_

"MacKenzie!" He was jolted back to reality by two people dashing towards him that he definitely recognized. Will was Dalton's best friend and arguably the only other candidate for best singer in the school, and Kitty was a year younger but could shred a mean guitar and she and Dalton would sometimes jam at parties. He knew the look of terror on their faces well.

When the two were close enough to talk in frantic whispers, Will started with just that. "Dude, the gossip circles are going nuts! What happened?"

"Is Dalton dead?" Kitty asked with wide eyes like her nick-namesake animal. "Please tell me he's not dead."

MacKenzie backed against his locker in shock at the blunt question. Especially since Dalton had been so close- "No! No, he's not dead!" He asked Will, "Who talked?"

"Angie was visiting her dad in the hospital yesterday and she saw your car and his parents' car parked outside Emergency. She started calling her friends and it's blown from there."

"They're saying Dalton OD'd on junk and he had to be restrained..." Kitty curled her arms around herself.

Mack sighed. Of course that circle would twist it into something outrageous. "Look...it's not like they're blowing it up to be, okay? He didn't have to be restrained, there was no junk-" Either something in Will's eyes flickered at that or he was just really out of it from stress- "and he's not dead, okay?" Kitty leaned against the lockers in relief. "Seriously, nobody thought of calling me first?"

"And delay spreading the juicy gossip by five minutes?" Will muttered in derision and shifting his gaze to a group passing in the hallway.

"Typical." Before Mack could say anything else to clarify, the first warning bell rang. Dammit. "You guys wouldn't mind doing some debunking for me, right?" Will was fairly popular especially amongst the girls, so people could at _least_ listen to him.

"Yeah," Kitty agreed and rushed off to class.

Will just stood in spot for another moment, eyes downcast like in thought. But having your best friend land in the hospital suddenly would leave a person numb, right?

"You know Dalton wouldn't-" MacKenzie started.

"I know," Will said simply and headed for the stairwell. Even with the threat of being late, Mack couldn't help lingering on that image for a moment.

Did everybody else know something he didn't? 

***

The first two classes went by without a hassle, or at least not anyone hassling him directly. He could only hope Kitty and Will were doing their best to dispel the worst of the rumor mill, but that didn't stop the vague sensation of peoples' looks boring into him behind his back, or the whispers that still fluttered. MacKenzie wasn't caring if those whispers were about him but about Dalton, especially when the boy couldn't be here to defend himself right now.

Any self-control anyone could've had collapsed during the morning break. MacKenzie was just at his locker to get stuff for the next few classes and paying no attention to the whispers until one voice decided not to whisper anymore.

"Shoulda known," two words behind his back twisted his stomach into knots.

Mack took a deep breath to stay calm and controlled. It course it had to be one of the guys who loved tossing rude remarks around. They didn't always participate in the gossip, but if the subject was one of their favorite targets, how could they possibly pass that up? "Should've known what, Gabe?" he kept his voice even and flat as he turned his head.

"That your creampuff of a boyfriend would land in the looneybin sooner or later," Gabe smirked and crossed his arms. "He's just that type, y'know."

OK, so maybe Gabe also knew about Dalton's bipolar disorder somehow. Or he was just being his usual dickhead self. Either way, it wasn't worth engaging. MacKenzie took another breath and merely said, "I'd say I know much more than you do," and turned back to his locker to close it.

Gabe snorted. "So you're just fine fuckin' the school psycho junkie?"

He felt an eyelid twitch, but employed the same technique he was using with Gabe. _Ignore, ignore, ignore..._

"Or maybe you didn't know he was a junkie?" Gabe upped the ante. "Who knows what he was doing for all his stuff? I'd get a blood test if I were you."

MacKenzie tried to think himself a peaceful person most of the time, given the school's zero-tolerance policy on violence and that it just didn't do any good to start trouble anyway. But something inside him absolutely broke at the accusatory implication. Even if he knew it wasn't true in the slightest, the fact that this asshole thought he could slander Dalton, one of the most positive forces in this school, with something so disgusting-

In what felt like a split-second of anger, he turned to shove Gabe against the lockers on the other side of the hall with a loud clatter and draw his fist back. A normal person would've been terrified at being about to get pummeled, but that idiot just kept on smirking and MacKenzie saw red even more.

Before he could deliver the blow, a tight hand gripped his wrist and a cold sweat of panic hit for him to let Gabe go. He figured it was a teacher and he was done for, but it was just one of his classmates.

"Mack...don't. It's not worth it."

As Gabe slinked away, MacKenzie felt himself crumple and the anger leave as quickly as it had come. He registered a crowd of students who'd gathered around the commotion in his vision before it blurred. Still didn't stop the voices. "Is he okay?" "Jesus, stay back."

Christ, he'd almost lost it. Had to go somewhere else, had to...counselor's office, yeah, that would have to do. He quickly gathered his backpack and made a beeline down the hall, leaving a score of confused whispering students in his wake.

Mack honestly liked Mr. Owen. There'd been grumbles among some parents when an openly-gay man had been hired as the new guidance counselor and especially when he'd wanted to establish a Gay-Straight Alliance group in the school, but cooler heads prevailed and MacKenzie was among the several grateful kids. It was a place to talk about important issues with like-minded students, including the ones not out yet. Yet right now he needed to talk on a whole other kind of important issue.

He ducked into the office area, no secretary or teacher noticing him as he ran for Mr. Owen's door with his vision still blurred. The burning pain in his chest from yesterday had returned with a vengeance and he felt close to collapsing right on the carpet as he rapidly knocked.

"Come in."

Thank god. MacKenzie flung open the door and knew he looked like a mess as Mr. Owen's normally cheerful expression had dropped into concern. 

"MacKenzie..."

He took the seat in front of the desk and laid his head on his arms to cry. Even if he'd sniffled plenty yesterday out of worry, these were the sobs that went soul-deep, the pressure from the last 24 hours building up and bursting. He felt the nudge of a box against his elbow and whipped a handful of tissues from it more to muffle his sound than do anything about the tears.

MacKenzie only stopped crying eventually out of need to breathe actual air as opposed to feeling better. He blew his nose and opened his eyes to see the counselor's familiar 'I'm ready to talk' face.

"...I guess you've heard by now," he said after a cough.

"I've heard rumors through the hallways all morning, yes. I don't get involved in gossip unless it appears a student's in danger."

MacKenzie sighed. "There woulda been a lot worse than danger if I hadn't brought him to the hospital in time-"

Mr. Owen blinked in surprise. "I hadn't heard that part of the story. It's a good thing you were there for Dalton."

"Well, I still don't feel like a hero." Mack dropped the tissues into the garbage bin and rubbed his raw nose on his arm.

"That's your phrasing, not mine."

"I guess." He cleaned the smudges on his glasses with his shirt. "I just...I thought I really knew Dalton, but it turns out I don't and I don't know what to make of it an' I feel like shit about it." The realization struck that maybe Dalton had talked with Mr. Owen about handling his emotions.

_Everyone knew except me._

The counselor smiled lightly; he never gave a student flak if they had to curse out of frustration. "There's still a ways to go when it comes to completely understanding mental health, especially in youth. But you're not a bad person for feeling confused, MacKenzie. The fact you're in here talking now shows you're not willing to brush Dalton off."

Sniff. "Being torn up like this means I care?"

"I can understand it's an emotional turmoil, but basically yes, you wouldn't feel like this otherwise." Mr. Owen perched his chin on his hands. "Consider this, if the day before yesterday someone asked you what you thought about Dalton, what would you say?"

MacKenzie looked to his own folded hands and brought up the memory from that day, just before they'd gone home, with Dalton's beautiful smile and his usual see-you-tomorrow hug and kiss as if nothing was wrong at all. He felt the first smile of his own since yesterday.

"That he's sweet...funny...really smart and talented...just about the nicest person in the whole school."

"And you're afraid that's not what you think about him now?"

There went another blip in Mack's stomach. "I mean...I know it's stupid to think, but what if he's only that way 'cause of his medication?" Dalton still had to be a good person, right?

"I wouldn't say stupid, MacKenzie, just misinformed. It's not like Dalton had a choice on that happening to him, right?"

"No..." He shrank slightly in his seat from guilt.

Mr. Owen continued, "Then it's the same principle if he needed medication for something like asthma. He's still the same person who just needs help to function."

MacKenzie idly looked around the room, from the motivational posters on the walls to the potted cactus on the bookshelf to the pictures of Mr. Owen and his partner on the desk. "I wish Dalton could've told me...I mean, what if I ever did or said something to depress him?"

The counselor sighed a little but was still smiling. "I'm afraid I can't say anything about him not telling you. But just like his struggles aren't his fault, you can't hold blame either. I've seen you interact with other students and never noticed any malicious intent."

MacKenzie thought back to the times he told Dalton how the boy showed him it was okay to be sweet and felt another faint smile. "Thanks."

The two glanced towards the clock; break was almost over. "What's your next class?"

"American History, Mr. Fradiani." Mack groaned and put his face in his hands at suddenly remembering, "Shit, my reading-"

"I think you still need a moment to cool down. If I got a pass written for you, could you sit in the library and get your reading done?"

"Yeah." He stood and nodded with a final cough of getting the crying out of his system for now. "Uh, thanks for letting me spill-"

"It's what I'm always here for. Do you understand things a little better?"

"For now." Now to just know why Dalton had kept it such a secret... The two exited the office to get MacKenzie's pass, and he could hear the rushed footsteps of students heading for their next classes. Ugh, knowing how to deal with the jerks was something he'd have to talk on another time-

Mr. Owen handed him the sheet. "There you go. Just be sure to make it to the class after."

"Coach'd kill me if I didn't," Mack afforded the joke and tucked the pass in his backpack. "Thanks again."

When he stuck his head out the office door, the hallway had mostly emptied so he could rush to the library a few doors down with no one noticing. He wasn't a bookworm by any means, but the shelves' worth of papery scent was an instant relaxer as he stepped inside.

MacKenzie looked up to the ceiling with one more deep breath. Was Dalton trying to relax right now? Was he talking with somebody, trying to be the same happy person he supposedly always was?

God, he sure hoped so.


	5. Chapter 5

MacKenzie was hardly approached for the rest of the day save for his usual circle of friends. He knew all too well that his near-outburst had likely given the crowd something else to talk about. _They're both crazy, birds of a feather, why else would they be drawn to each other?_ Ugh. If there was one thing he couldn't wait for besides Dalton to be out of the hospital, it was to graduate and get away from that childish mindset. Too bad both of them felt like light years away.

When the city bus was about five blocks away from MacKenzie's house, he got off to walk the rest of the way and continue cooling his head. What Mr. Owen had said made sense on a fundamental level, that it was all right to be confused and none of this was his fault, but the other concerns still weighed heavy.

Halfway through his walk, his phone rang and he was breathless to answer. "Hello?"

"Hey there MacKenzie, Kiva and I just thought we should check in. Was everything all right today?"

Mack felt himself deflate. He could've been happy someone was actually asking about him, but- "Um, uh, not completely," he fumbled.

Fran's "hmm" on the other end said enough.

"Can Dalton come home yet?" Even if the crying was out of his system (for today at least), he knew he still sounded selfish at that question. _Jesus, maybe I really_ am _horrible._

"I'm sorry, son, but there's still his medication to adjust. But it looks like he had a good session with the therapist today, so it might be a little sooner than we first thought."

So he _was_ talking to someone to feel better. Thank goodness. "All right. Thanks for letting me know."

"Anytime, son. Say, once Dalton's out and settled, you think your parents and you would like to come over for a dinner?"

"I'm sure asking them will be just a formality," Mack smirked. Had to keep his sense of humor somewhere.

***

Saturdays were typically sedate for MacKenzie unless he had an upcoming game or test to be stressing over, and with Dalton not around there was certainly no date to get ready for. After getting some homework out of the way, he went over to his grandmother's to help her with her weekly grocery run since she wasn't as completely mobile as she used to be. Mack and his parents had moved here in the first place to be closer and help her out, and besides the friends he made, her presence made the new situation easier to adjust to. She had the best hugs and a kind listening ear, and she could still make her way around the kitchen a bit so MacKenzie's senses would be greeted by a homemade treat instead of just something ordered.

Dalton had met Nonna quite a few times and was just delighted by her, even if it'd taken a while for her to get used to that yes, her grandson was sweethearts with a boy and yes, such things were more common nowadays. Thankfully her confusion had never been out of bigotry.

MacKenzie didn't want to go into details about the hospitalization when she asked him why he seemed so quiet today, offering the standard 'not feeling well' story. Nonna's sympathetic smile and pats to his cheek brought back that simplistic feeling of childhood, even if total regression wasn't really a good idea. You just had to take your comfort where you could.

Afterwards it was heading to the mall and hoping to run into any friends there to kill a few hours. Much like the majority of Dalton's friends were in his music and drama classes, Mack's circle of friends mostly ended up being other guys on the basketball team and in shop class. There were a couple who had totally dropped contact after he came out, but those losses hadn't left him as broken as he'd initially feared.

He couldn't help who he was.

For the second time in a row, MacKenzie was surprised at seeing Mom and Dad's cars parked when he got home. Saturday was usually an evening they'd be out at some gathering somewhere any of their co-workers would be hosting, typically leaving him to be at a class party himself or out with Dalton... "You guys are staying in?" he asked when he got inside.

Mom started to nod before saying, "Unless you want us out of your hair, that is-"

"No, no, it's OK," Mack interrupted as he grabbed one of the fancy waters Mom swore by out of the fridge. "I'm...just a little surprised is all." But hey, who was he to look a gift horse in the mouth?

"Nothing wrong with taking it easy _some_ times," Dad spoke up, same empathetic expression from Friday morning. Mack had a feeling he was having a hard time believing that, but it didn't hurt to try, right?

Mom and Dad knew how to work a smart conversation with their colleagues, the times in his early teens when he'd accompanied them to outings where some co-workers also dragged along kids his age showed him that. But small talk...not one of their stronger suits. In between their snippets of dialogue throughout the evening, usually an update on whatever projects they had going on but occasionally a question was dropped MacKenzie's way on how Nonna was doing or if anything interesting happened out at the mall, he tried to study their faces. It wasn't like someone trying to get to know a stranger- he did give his parents a little more credit than that- but there was like regarding someone with curiosity.

 _They're trying, they're just trying,_ he kept telling himself. _Being a teen nowadays is nothing like it was for them. Hell, I'll probably be confused twenty-thirty years from now even I don't end up a like a workaholic either._

He softly laughed to himself. Dalton loved teasing him about how 'cute' he got when he was thoughtful like this. Thinking on happy little moments like that would have to help throughout the next few days.

***

Usually MacKenzie's dreams were disjointed flashes, but when they were vivid, they more often than not tended to be about Dalton. His mind would replay happy memories or present lush fantasies so realistic he'd wake up with the familiar aching of desire gnawing inside. But tonight's vividness was not the kind he wanted.

It was the kind of logic that only happened in a dream; MacKenzie was walking in the pathway behind the Rapattoni house where sometimes Kiva would be in her garden if the weather was good, but it wasn't Kiva there right now-

"Dalton!" With a renewed burst of energy, MacKenzie leapt over the fence and dashed to the boy he loved who was idly sitting and twirling a blade of grass in his fingers.

Dalton said nothing as he was scooped up, or Mack just didn't hear anything in his delirious joy as he kissed all over his boyfriend's face. 

"Dalton oh my god you're home you're home oh god-" The boy's skin felt cool under his lips, but that could've been the real-life night air seeping into his subconscious.

When he stopped the kisses, he cupped Dalton's face to look in the green eyes he thought he'd never see again. "Dalton, it's all right. I'm not mad at you, babe. I love you."

Dalton didn't smile, didn't blink. Just standing mannequin-still and cold under MacKenzie's touch.

"Dalton..." Mack's voice dropped to a whisper as he touched over the boy's face and grabbed his wrist in a panic to feel for a pulse. Still beating- then why did he look so lifeless?

"Dalton?..." MacKenzie whispered in fear.

The beautiful hue in the boy's eyes suddenly changed, from its sparkling shade that always reminded Mack of life to a dull cinder-block grey. It was like Dalton's inner sunshine and happiness and soul had just flown from his body to leave behind a cold and emotionless ghost.

 _No, no, this can't be happening, no-_ "Dalton, I know you're in there...babe, please?" He grabbed the sides of his boyfriend's face, but he still didn't react and the skin was still cold.

Then his solid grey eyes rolled back and he collapsed to the ground.

" _Dalton!"_

*

MacKenzie awoke in the dark, temporarily paralyzed and his heart tight in his chest. For a moment he thought he was struck blind until the blurriness of his ceiling came into vision. He heaved a breath and put his hands to his face that was cold with sweat.

_Just a dream. Only a dream._

But was it a dream that could actually mean anything? When Dalton came back ( _when, when, not if, when_ ) was that going to be him, over-medicated and lifeless, all his love and energy gone? What kind of a life was that to live?

MacKenzie bit his lip as he felt the sudden welling of hot tears.


	6. Chapter 6

Mack didn't mention to anyone about the nightmare. He was way past the age of running to Mom and Dad's room in the middle of the night when the boogeymen of his subconscious threatened to swallow him whole, some things he had to deal with by himself, and- what exactly could he say? "I think Dalton's going to come out of the hospital as a robot"? Jesus, he'd be the next one carted away.

On Sunday evening while he was finishing up his homework, there was a soft knocking on his door frame. "MacKenzie?"

Huh, they were probably going out. "Yeah?" He pushed his binder to the side when Mom came into his room- tentatively?

"Your schoolwork going all right?"

MacKenzie nodded. He and his parents both knew he had to keep his grades steady to stay on the basketball team. Long as they didn't dip from however long he had to wait through this-

"And you?"

Silence hung in the air for a moment. The last time he'd been asked that was after his grandfather had died- then again, that was probably the last time he'd been this quiet as well. Not that this was the same case.  
_Dalton's not going to die. I made sure of that. No matter what else happens._

"Could be better," he finally admitted.

There were two small chairs in front of MacKenzie's work desk, the other one occupied when a friend was over for a study session or just to hang (whereas Dalton would end up on his bed looking so cuddly and sweet). Right now Mom perched on it, hands folded in her lap like she probably sat during meetings.

"Honey..." There was an endearment he hadn't heard from her in- well, quite a while. MacKenzie's eyebrows went up in caught attention as she continued, "I know you're worried about Dalton. We are, too." Her rote was careful in choosing its words, but at this moment it didn't seem performative.

"Huh." He looked to his hands, realizing just how much they looked like Mom's.

"Did you think we weren't?"

"Well, no..." He rubbed the back of his neck. Small talk with family besides Nonna didn't look to be his greatest strength either. "It's just like...the first few times I had Dalton over, I figured you might've thought he was an alien or something." _Who is this strangely-dressed boy who's always laughing and plays loud music and why could he possibly like hanging onto our son so much?_

Mom smiled softly. "Well, he was so different from the friends you had back at your old school. You were so unhappy the first months after we moved here but after Dalton started coming over and then you told us you were dating, it dawned on us. You can be yourself around him and he makes you happy, right?"

"Yeah..." He didn't have to worry about putting on a mask to impress Dalton, just being who he was was enough- and the boy's silly, sweet, and carefree nature had impressed him immediately. "An' I want him to be happy, too."

"We know you do, MacKenzie, and he _is_ happy. He just needs help with it sometimes."

"And you don't mind?" MacKenzie had an inkling of what her answer could be, but he desperately needed to hear it for real.

For a moment Mom's expression was washed over like she'd been hurt, and Mack was about to apologize until she scooted the chair closer to reach and pull her son into a sudden hug.

"Oh-" Not that Mom and Dad were so aloof they didn't even hug him, but he honestly didn't see this one coming. He perched his chin by her forehead and continued to let her squeeze. The intensity said so much.

Eventually she spoke, "Never, honey. We know Dalton isn't a bad person, and you can't choose who you fall in love with, right?"

The same thing she'd told him when he came out. "Right," he sighed in soft relief.

Mom loosened her hold but only slightly. "I know I can't imagine what Dalton must be going through- this isn't exactly something we talked about at your age."

"I guess not," MacKenzie murmured, thinking of if Mom or Dad had ever had friends with depression growing up. Had they wanted to help but didn't know what to do? He'd have to ask that later once this whole mess calmed down, whenever that was. "Are you worried about me, too?" he wondered. Adding up the sudden attentiveness over the past few days would explain some things-

"I suppose I was. Mothers always worry about their children."

_Dalton was right. They do care._

***

Monday morning was basically the same as Friday afternoon, with many students going nowhere near MacKenzie- _steering clear of the lunatic._ He knew that was what they were thinking and he hated it. He could empathize with Dalton in this moment.

Fortunately his circle of friends weren't that type and understood the truth. He was grateful for their presence right now as they sat at the same cafeteria table. Will sat across from them, which seemed to be a force of habit as obviously Dalton wasn't here, but nobody minded. He knew how to crack jokes with the guys and could get along with just about everyone. 

MacKenzie idly dragged part of his burger in the ketchup blob he'd made on his tray as Will and a friend Jeff were going back and forth about new game releases and who on YouTube was doing the better playthroughs. There were plenty of times he thought that if not for being close with Dalton and having a certain sense of humor they'd have nothing in common, but the boy was kind and even charming enough to win people over and make them forget differences. It was easy to see why Dalton loved him as a friend, and even if only peripherally Mack was glad to know him as well.

At some point two girls approached their table, and Mack thought it was to flirt until he saw they were palming small piles of change.

"Oh, great, thanks." Will pulled a Ziploc bag from his backpack that was already loaded down with change and a few bills and let the girls drop the money in.

"What's all that for?" Jeff asked when the girls left.

"It's Ms. Hudson's idea," Will said, referring to the drama teacher, "get a nice big card for the class to sign and deliver to Dalton in the hospital. I volunteered to do the legwork."

MacKenzie smiled a little around his bite, the first smile today that had nothing to do with relief over a good assignment grade. Will and Dalton didn't just tie for being the best singers in the school, but also for having the biggest hearts.

A few minutes later he felt his phone go off in his pocket and his heart skipped. It was usually a no-no for students to have their phone on all day in school, but he didn't want to wait until it was too late to hear either the best or the worst- "Hello?"

"MacKenzie? Did I call at a bad time?"

More like when was the last time Mom had actually called him, in the middle of the day no less? "Um...no. What's up?"

"This slipped my mind yesterday, but I wanted to have a nice card ready for Nonna's birthday this weekend, do you think you could find one in town from all of us?"

"Card, yeah, I can do that," MacKenzie said and absently twirled a fry around. He noticed Will looking up at the mention of 'card', hey, no reason they couldn't look together.

"And try to be home before five-thirty," Mom said, adding quickly, "if you can, I mean."

"No," Mack said, "you can't take that back, Mom. That was an order, wasn't it? A real parental order. Don't deny it, I heard it!" He was suddenly so giddy at his parents finally starting to act like parents he drummed the fingers of his free hand on the table in lieu of jumping.

"My goodness," Mom was laughing, "if I'd known you liked taking orders I would've started giving them a long time ago. Let's see, what else can I come up with?"

"whoa, let's not get carried away. One order every eighteen years ought to be enough to satisfy my cravings." Right up there with a lifetime of rules from school, anyway.

Before he hung up, Mom said, "I'll see you when you're home, dear."

He knew his grin looked wide enough to slide off his face from how Will was watching him. "Guessin' things are good?"

MacKenzie resumed his lunch with appetite fully restored. "Looks like I'm not the only one that's done some growing up lately."

***

After school MacKenzie drove Will out to the mall, knowing the card shop there would be more likely to have oversized cards than the drugstore would. He gazed through the birthday shelves to find a suitably elegant card for Nonna while Will went through the larger ones as carefully as perusing old vinyl.

"You don't think Dalt would mind something cute?" he asked at one point. "It's all they got besides the religious stuff."

"Long as we're not talking diabetes-inducing kittens with foot-wide eyes," Mack kidded and went over to see Will's pick that had different colored ducks splashing in a pond, one with its wings spread wider than the others.

Another duck off to one side had dark feathers around its eyes and a smaller smile on its beak, and he knew he was reflecting the wistful expression when Will said, "Yeah, I know that look, he'll love it."

After paying for their cards the two popped into the coffee shop, populated as it usually was this time of the day by the typical gaggle of teens and hipsters. They got a drink and slumped into opposite sides of a booth, and MacKenzie rolled his head back with a sigh.

"Rough weekend, huh?" Will asked before taking a long pull from his coffee.

Mack halfheartedly nodded enough to roll his head forward again. "Prob'ly more for than Dalt than me, but...yeah."

Will furrowed his brow in an expression MacKenzie was familiar with; he could sense the patented Behlendorf Wise Words coming on. "Dude, it's way obvious you're hurting, too. Just 'cause you're not in the hospital doesn't mean your being upset's not real."

MacKenzie took a drink to cover up his smirk. "You sound like Mr. Owen when you do that."

"Hey, he's a counselor for a reason. And it's a legit point. You're not the first person to feel bad when somebody they love has bipolar disorder an' you feel you can't do a thing about it."

"You knew too?!" MacKenzie sounded surprised as he said it, but it was getting to the point nothing surprised him anymore. When Will nodded, he put his head in his hands. "Jesus, everybody _did_ know except me."

"Hey, I told him he should say something, but you know Dalton's got a mind of his own."

"When did you find out?"

Will took another sip and twirled his straw around in the dredges of whipped cream. "It was a sleepover with some guys, we must've been like, 11 or 12...a pill bottle rolled out of his duffle bag and a couple guys tried playing keep-away with it, and someone else's dad was a doctor so he knew what was in there. Dalton was close to, like, a full-blown panic attack if I hadn't gotten them to shut up."

Mack smiled a little at that last part. Will really was the best friend in the world. "And you didn't mind?"

"No, why would I? He's my friend, I'd want him to feel better. But not all the guys felt that way." He finished his coffee and set the mug in the 'to-clean' basket behind them.

MacKenzie bit his lip in thought. "So the guys that've been harassing Dalton all this time-"

"-some of them used to be friends," Will finished. "Others, I don't know, they're your garden-variety jerks. I don't think they love anybody."

That made too much of a sad sense. Mack took a sugar packet and squeezed it back and forth between forefingers and thumbs just to hear some noise. "And he thought it'd be the same reaction if he told me?"

"That's all I can think of. Even after you moved here and you two were still just friends, he'd come to me panicking when he thought he'd done something 'crazy'- his words, not mine."

Mack sighed, put back the sugar packet, and picked up a sweetener packet for a different crunch sound to make. He could admire Will's loyalty to his friend for not spilling secrets, but still, not knowing something so vital-

"He was even more worried when he told me he _really_ liked you," Will added quietly.

MacKenzie tore a corner of the packet. "Was this before or after that dance?"

"Oh, _way_ before."

So much for being done with being surprised. MacKenzie squished the packet in his hands and looked to the tabletop with a sigh. He and Dalton had liked each other way before they had said so...that was more time they could've had together.

_There's more secrets in this relationship than I thought. I don't know how I should feel about that._

Will went on, "I tried to tell him, dude, just be honest. If he really likes you he's not going to think any differently."

"That's the thing, I might have."

"Like?..."

Mack dropped the packet and perched his chin on folded arms. "Not that I'd've been gross like Gabe and those jerks are...I guess I'd baby him too much or something so he wouldn't get upset easily. But I got a feeling he could only take so much of that before losing it."

"You do sure like spoiling him."

He wistfully thought back on that, every stolen kiss, every little present when it sometimes wasn't even a holiday, every encouraging text message, every sweetly possessive squeeze when they were curled together within sheets. "Because I love him," he said so softly he wasn't sure if Will heard.

But Will had. After a brief silence he answered just as softly, "Sounds like deep down you love Dalton just as he is. You two might be okay after all."

MacKenzie furrowed his brow. "Long as the therapist hasn't given him any ideas I might not be good for him." There was no need to guess that Dalton had to have talked about him at some point, but what would there be to say? _Yeah, he's my first love, my first time, really my first everything, but I couldn't trust to tell him everything...you don't think we're being too intense?_

Will grinned and snorted. "You catch too many soap operas with your grandma." The boys stood from the booth and shrugged their jackets back on. "Seriously, I don't think you gotta worry. The way Dalton looks at you? You two are, like, goals. You're gonna be fine."

Ah, every sweet instance of Dalton smiling at him like he'd invented the sun. It was a better image to keep in his mind than the blank stare from his nightmare.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies in advance this may seem like another short/dull/filler chapter, but again I wanted a little buildup to the vital part of this section and reassure this story's not dead yet. I _do_ have the majority of the ending written out that should be worth another couple chapters or so, it's just a matter of stitching the scenes together. Cheers xo

MacKenzie sighed under the cooled locker room spray trailing down his skin. Gym had been the last class today, so he could afford some extra minutes to linger and unwind.

Even if it was a matter of life or death, one wouldn't get a straight answer out of him of if the day had been any better. The grumbles and whispers hadn't been heard- at least not within his earshot- but people outside of his friends circle were still avoiding him.

Mack bit his lip. He'd had another quick talk with Mr. Owen near the end of lunch break about how he, and in a sense Dalton as well, was supposed to take being alienated like this. In the end, it had basically been the same advice he'd received when people treated him differently after coming out; if he didn't worry about impressing those people then there was no need to worry about impressing them now. That also made sense on a fundamental level, but it didn't mean it easy.

After MacKenzie had dried off and dressed and was en route to his car, his phone shook with an incoming text. "Hm?" He tapped the screen to see it was from Dad. Did some emergency pop up-

-nope. He and Mom were likely to be a little later because of a traffic reroute but they were fine and he could have dinner as early as he felt like. Mack chuckled a bit and pocketed the phone. Even with this new level of communication, they were still letting him think for himself on some things.

He'd been home for about an hour and a half, absorbed deep in a biology paper when his stomach began growling. "Ah, dangit-" That happened when he got caught up in work, not thinking about eating until the last minute. And since he was the only one here right now- _Hmm, maybe..._

He dug out his Home Ec binder stuffed with recipes and idly flipped through until one dish from a few months ago caught his eye, vegetables seasoned a particular way and baked on a sheet pan to be served with chicken.

Sure, why not.

MacKenzie turned the shuffle on his phone on for background music as he went back and forth through the kitchen, tasks and tunes providing something to focus on. First it was a matter of prepping the chicken with a honey and salsa mixture from another recipe, then letting that slowly cook as he rummaged through the vegetable bins and cupboard of cooking staples. At least he couldn't complain like some students over there never being anything edible in the house.

His Home Ec grades were passable but he didn't consider himself a cook even with how often he was home (hence a silent prayer every time he looked in on the chicken). Depending if anyone was with him, it often just felt easier to order pizza or heat leftovers.

A wistful smile touched MacKenzie's face; even if he'd been concentrating on this cooking so not to be worrying over Dalton, thinking of him happened anyway. Because damn, that boy knew how to work an oven. It had to be an Italian thing. He could usually be counted on to gift cookies for a friend's birthday, or when during family holidays MacKenzie would pop over for a quick hello, his boyfriend would be at the stovetop mixing something that smelled so good it was magical.

He leaned his head against the cooled freezer door and sighed. Dalton was special in so many ways, from little gestures to a big heart, he deserved to know that people cared about him as much as he cared about them...and that included MacKenzie.

Will was absolutely right, he did love Dalton just the way he was. If that already meant accepting differences like an offbeat sense of humor and a love for loud music and dramatic flair, then by god that could also mean accepting this condition. It wasn't like MacKenzie was perfect either, the way he could stress out over keeping his grades up or when he felt that Mom and Dad weren't all that concerned about him- at least the latter part was looking more of a thing of the past.

As long as Dalton still wanted to be around him, that was. Just couldn't shake that nagging feeling. Ugh. He shook his head and started on the table settings to keep his mind occupied.

Just as he'd taken the chicken out and was carefully slicing into it the way he'd been shown in class to check it was cooked all the way through, MacKenzie heard the familiar rolls of tires coming into the driveway with light pops of gravel underneath, something he usually didn't hear until it was incredibly late. "MacKenzie?.." Dad's curious tone came from the door once it was unlocked and soon he turned the corner into the kitchen. "Well, doesn't that smell delicious!"

Mack was going to pretend the heat on his face was from the oven and not the unexpected compliment. "Don't think it should kill us," he kidded as Mom came into the kitchen as well.

Dad stepped closer and took a peer into where he'd cut. "No, that looks good."

"Good, I've been living on coffee all day," Mom remarked and started her filling his plate from the vegetable pan. MacKenzie just took his own small portions and sat with a relieved sigh and grin to himself that at least he didn't have to worry about living on ramen and fast food when he went off to college, no matter how far away that felt.

The family had just seated themselves when the living room phone sounded with its rhythm of five quick beats per ring. "I'll get that," Dad rose from his chair to leave the kitchen. MacKenzie couldn't be certain, but he swore he also heard him mutter "They always call at dinner." Just sounded so...normal.

"Hello?...ah, yes, Kiva."

 _Kiva-_ MacK felt his fork clatter with almost dropping it and he had to grip the table to keep the rest of him from falling over. He and Mom looked at each other silently as the conversation continued. 

"We were just about to eat, is all...oh, he's been worried," Dad's voice dropped a little then, somehow confirming it to Mack that yep, his folks has been worried about him as well. "I know...oh, that's wonderful."

He swallowed over the lump that had instantly formed in his throat. Wonderful could only mean one thing, right?-

"Yes, I'm sure he'd love to, I'll let him know...yes, of course. All right."

After the call finished and Dad hung up, MacKenzie looked up with cautious optimism when he returned to the table. "Dalton?..."

Dad grinned. "He's being discharged on Thursday. And he wants to talk to you and Will Friday after school."

One would've thought MacKenzie would be one-hundred-percent happy with this bit of news. It was what he'd wanted, for Dalton to come home, right? And yet a palpable chill tingled over his skin he could only identify as nerves, and his head briefly felt that swimming sensation of being oxygen-deprived.

There was no denying the nerves showed on his face, especially as he heard from Mom when his head came back down to earth, "Honey, nobody's forcing you to go."

"I know," he said, the first syllable cracking. He couldn't even make the excuse of Mom and Dad making him do this; he was about the only kid in school who didn't have to worry about parental authority (at least until recently?). "But...I need to do it. Dalton has to know I don't hate him."

He could see Dad's nod in his peripheral vision. "Do you know if you still want to...you know, be dating?"

"Yeah..." Oh, that was a relief to say. "I know, but what if Dalton doesn't?"

Mom furrowed her brow. "What do you mean?"

MacKenzie bit his lip. Sure, Will had told him there was nothing to worry about, but the gap between then and now had given him time to articulate better. "Like, what if he decides-" _or the doctors tell him_ "that being in a relationship is a bad idea while he's recovering because if something went wrong and he feels vulnerable-" His heart fluttered in panic in his chest and he needed to stop his words.

"I think you're confusing his therapy with drug rehab," Dad laughed a little without malice. "He wouldn't want to talk with you and Will at the same time if he was planning a breakup."

"I guess," Mack sighed. "But, if he does?..."

Mom scooted her chair closer to put a hand on his shoulder. "Then it doesn't mean you're unlovable. You did everything you could."

That everything would have to be enough, he hoped.


	8. Chapter 8

Unlike the news of Dalton being admitted to the hospital, there'd been nobody nosy to hear about when he'd be out; only MacKenzie and Will had the information. It was one hell of a difficult decision, but they didn't let anyone else in Dalton's circle of friends know. "He's gonna need the privacy; once he's home he can...do whatever he wants," was Will's reasoning. 

The remarks and whispers in the hall seemed to have died down altogether, like students had given up on expecting Dalton would come back at all.

God, that was an option Mack hadn't considered. What if he was being sent to a different school because this place was just too much? And there didn't look to be any 'specialized' schools around here, if Dalton had to go out of town or even out of state-

 _OK, relax,_ the rational side of MacKenzie's brain took over, _they wouldn't do anything so disruptive in his senior year. He'll be back._

*

Mack knew if it was a futile effort- after all, Dalton could've easily come home during the day- but during Thursday evening he'd gaze out his window, watching the headlights of passing cars and idly wondering if one of them would slow down when they reached this block. He remembered the times Dalton would drive over, in some rare cases even the middle of the night when he was all alone, and they would hold each other until the plaguing insecurities faded away. It was a night like this Mack missed those moments the most, thinking on them until heart and eyelids grew heavy in sleep.

***

Friday. What felt like the longest day of the longest week of his life, and despite the advice and reassurance of the last few days, nerves still coursed through MacKenzie's system for him to take every class in a dazed state. Of course his friends understood his weariness and didn't say anything. Until the last class of the day, no teacher spoke up either-

"MacKenzie?"

"Hm?" He snapped his head up to see Mr. Cook directly addressing him. And he could've sworn there were snickers from the back.

"Do you need the school nurse, MacKenzie? You look pale."

A paleness that ended when his cheeks flushed from embarrassment. When had he last been caught spacing out in class? "Oh, no, sir. I'm just tired." He took a pull from his water bottle and Mr. Cook just nodded and turned back to the chalkboard.

The whisper flittered from the back of the room, audible enough to hit MacKenzie's ears and sting.

"Think the nurse already used all her straitjackets."

He curled his fingers on the desktop, anything to keep the rest of his body from turning around. He was _not_ going to lose it this time, not when Dalton was waiting for him. He couldn't afford to physically lash again. 

After the final bell, Mack gathered his books to get out of the classroom quickly as possible and meet with Will at the other end of the hall. Unfortunately any chance of a smooth exit was jostled by a purposeful bump at his elbow. He knew it was on purpose as when he turned he saw a smirking Gabe with his girlfriend clinging to his side as she often did.

MacKenzie remembered Dalton once telling him that Gabe's only human quality was having been loyal to the same girl since middle school, and he'd never heard any rumors to the contrary. But he often had to wonder if she (Alana? Alexa? Mack wasn't sure, since she was usually quiet and simply hung onto Gabe like other girls latched to teddy bears) was aware how her boyfriend acted around everyone else, was she truly happy with him?

"You think you're _so_ funny, huh?" MacKenzie curled a fist in his pocket to keep it there. 

"Somebody's gotta, an' you're not doing a good job of it," Gabe's tone dripped with derision.

Mack felt his heart beating in angry realization. He knew, just knew, that Gabe wasn't merely one of the "garden-variety jerks" Will had mentioned, his grudge against Dalton had run long and deep. The words were rising that he would've said a week ago if he'd had a clearer head and more information.

"Dalton didn't do anything to deserve getting ditched and turned into a punching bag by the likes of you," he snapped, and Gabe's eyes surprisingly widened. "Yeah, he gets depressed sometimes, but that doesn't keep him from doing what he wants and being a good person."

Gabe shook his head in his own kind of disbelief. "Jesus, you both are crazy."

"At least we don't pretend we're better than everyone else and keep trying to cut them down." MacKenzie grit his teeth and finished by spitting out, "Dalton has strength, and you're nothing but a coward." He pushed by the couple quickly while his temper stayed even, and could see out of his peripheral vision that some other lingering students had seen the confrontation and were stunned into silence. But unlike last week, he didn't feel fear; he only wanted out.

He caught up with a confused-looking Will at his locker. "Mack?-"

"Let's just go," MacKenzie said and headed for the stairwell, everything else becoming blurry but determining not to fall. Had to keep his cool long as possible-

When the two finally reached the parking lot and piled into MacKenzie's car, his resolve and energy left as quickly as the wind and he crumpled in the driver's seat. Confronting Gabe about his true behavior had been the capper on his exhausting week, and it wasn't over yet...

"Dude, if you gotta cry, you better get it out of your system now."

"I don't have to cry." And two seconds later MacKenzie knew he was lying to himself as he leaned against the steering wheel with a fresh bout of shudders. He'd really like to say he was done crying, but depending how the conversation would go he probably wasn't out of the woods yet.

Will rubbed a platonic comforting circle on his back, and in between the hiccups of sniffles, Mack realized this friendship was more than peripheral. Really, any friend of Dalton could be a friend of his. That is, if Dalton still wanted to be around him...

"I think I better drive. You're way too nervous."

MacKenzie sniffed and nodded when it felt like he was done, and the boys got out to switch seats. While Will buckled up he continued, "No matter what, at least Dalton's feeling better. That's the important thing, right?"

"I know..." MacKenzie rubbed his eyes. "I guess I'm a little selfish."

"Or in love," Will said softly and started the engine. The drive was quiet with only the faint radio for company.

The Rapattoni house stood the same as the last time MacKenzie had seen it, having not gone down this block over the past week if one didn't count his dream. At this point he was just hoping to not see those terrifying grey, dead eyes.

Before Will could ring the doorbell, the door flung open to reveal Kiva. Gone was the weary face from the emergency room.

"Oh, you made it! Hello, boys."

"Hello, Mrs. Rapattoni," Will nodded and grinned politely as he usually greeted parents.

MacKenzie kept his smile faint but optimistic. "Is...Dalton's in?"

"Of course, he's in the kitchen," Kiva waved to let the boys in and they followed her to the nook. There were glasses and juice containers already on the counter along with a plate of cookies-

-and sitting with his head bowed over a notebook of what looked like homework was Dalton. His hair was the same bleach blond spikes, his skin the same light healthy tan...and when he looked up his greeting smile was the same. None of the cold deadness was anywhere to be seen. The tension in MacKenzie's shoulders loosened in relief. At least there was that.

"Hey, guys!" the bright tone of voice that had been missed for a week greeted (sounded the same as well, thank god) and Dalton pushed the cookie plate closer. "Nina brought these over this morning, there's no way I can eat 'em all."

Mack's smile widened a bit as he and Will sat and took a gingerbread treat each. Coolness definitely ran in Dalton's family as his grandmother was still running her own hair salon; as Mack took a bite he remembered one of the first times after he'd heard Dalton play that she'd gotten him his first music lessons. _And he found his outlet from there..._ A caring family really was a blessing.

"You three are going to be all right if I'm just in the garden?" MacKenzie could see Kiva's hands, one palmed over the other and fingers twitching as if holding them back from wringing with worry. Not that he could blame a mother for remembering what happened the last time she left her son alone.

But Dalton, as he would do, tilted his head in that back-and-to-the-right move and pursed his lips in a playful smirk. "Trust me, Mom."

And she looked to do just that. After a quick squeeze around her son's shoulders, she headed for the sliding glass door leading to the backyard and the boys heard it shut with a soft click.

Dalton took a juice to fill his glass almost to the brim, and Will and MacKenzie silently watched as he held it with both hands to bring his mouth close and drink like he'd just found an oasis. "Pills make my mouth dry," he said huskily when he came up for air. Well, there was one reason the boy always had an energy drink with him. He set the glass back down when it was a third empty and licked his lips.

"Wasn't sure if you two were gonna show up. It really means a lot."

"Of course we were." _Swallow your nerves, Mack, show him you really mean it._

"So..." Will bit his lip while MacKenzie just nervously folded his fingers around each other. So much to ask and wondering how to ask it-

Dalton's laugh was a relief to hear. "Guys, I'm not gonna break. It's okay to ask stuff."

"Sorry." Will laughed softly but Mack stayed in his agitated spot. "OK, so, they think they got your medicine right now?"

Dalton nodded. "Still gonna be a couple days before I can go back to school-" he groaned as if in remembering, "shit, music class is gonna be hardest to catch up on, I bet Mr. Connick is pissed."

"I think I heard him mutter something about the collective class IQ being down," Will quipped, and MacKenzie even felt the quickest tug of a smile from the corner of his mouth.

"Mack?" Dalton dipped his head for them to be eye level. "You okay, babe?" No dead greyness at all, just the loveliest eyes in the world.

MacKenzie sighed. "Can't imagine how scary it'd be in there for days." He'd been thinking that anyway so it wasn't a lie, right?

"Can't lie, those first hours were no picnic with getting all the junk outta me." He felt a gentle hand on his arm squeeze in what he hoped was a silent _thank you._ "But the rest wasn't too bad. Since I was low-risk I could wear my own clothes and do homework and that in the rec room when I wasn't with the doctors or counselor." His smile dropped, but in thought instead of sadness. "I still gotta go to her weekly for a while to talk about handling my stresses an' that. She's not as cool as Mr. Owen, but rules are rules."

"Yeah, he is awesome," Mack felt a genuine wistful smile at remembering the conversation.

"And my boozing days are pretty much over. Like I was a teenage alcoholic in the first place," Dalton continued with a wry smile.

MacKenzie thought back. Maybe a beer or two at parties, but the boy mostly stuck with his energy drinks. "I never really needed to drink," Dalton waved off. "It was just for fitting in. But I'm not like everyone else and won't ever be."

"Will you ever need to change your dose again?" Will asked, fiddling with a crumb.

"Probably not for a few years if ever. At least I know now if anything feels weird to actually, y'know, talk to the doc first before panicking."

MacKenzie felt an odd sensation like hairs raising on the back of his neck. "That's what happened? You panicked and took too much?"

"Short answer, yes." Dalton rubbed his temple like getting his thoughts in order before he went on, "I mean...you know when it suddenly gets dark in the middle of the afternoon, like the sun's just crashed and it doesn't look right?"

Will sounded cautious to answer, "Yeah..." He'd always been more in tune with Dalton's metaphors.

Dalton continued, "Well, that's how it kinda feels on the inside with my moods. My old dose took care of it before, but when it didn't..." He shook his head, and MacKenzie could fill in the rest of the story from that. "A stupid mistake, that's all it was."

MacKenzie sighed quietly and scooted his seat closer. "'least it's all right..." The situation was, but what about them?

Dalton tilted his head, thoughtful expression staying on his face. After a moment he turned towards his friend and playfully batted his lashes. "Will..."

"Lemme guess, you need a private moment?"

"Yeah, I think we do." He squeezed MacKenzie's arm again as if in rhythm to the sudden nervous jump of his heart.

"No prob, I'll go chat with your mom." Will slid off his seat to head in the same direction Kiva had gone, clapping MacKenzie on the shoulder as he walked by. _Good luck, man,_ was the big unspoken.

Once they heard the back door slide shut, Dalton gently clasped their hands together as eye contact stayed. Of course Mack had gazed into those intense eyes many times; whether he'd still be able to-

"I know you're upset with me for not telling you. I don't blame you."

"Yeah, well, Will kinda filled me in on the 'why' department," MacKenzie said quietly and rubbed his thumb in Dalton's smooth palm.

Dalton sighed. "I know it doesn't excuse anything, but I was, like, scared shitless. An' since my symptoms were under control anyway I figured, why should he bother knowing something that might not even come up? And we might not even have that big a thing anyway? Jesus, talk about not thinking clearly."

MacKenzie laughed softly and held his boyfriend's hands close like warming them in the winter. "I'm glad you were wrong on that last part."

"Me too," came out whisper soft. "I mean, I was too nervous to have more than a handful of friends, let alone dating anyone. You don't know what it's like to have people think you're a monster that's gonna snap at any minute-"

Whoa, had to halt that train of thought and be positive. Mack held up a hand and thankfully Dalton quieted. "Dalt...trust me, I wouldn't have thought you were a monster. Even if I didn't know as much then as I do now."

"But would you have still treated me differently?"

Mack sighed and pretended the counter pattern was interesting. "Probably. And I hate that."

"Like I said, I don't blame ya." Fingers rubbed a soothing pattern on his knuckles. "I might as well say, no bad mood I feel is ever gonna be your fault even if I stupidly say otherwise, and you don't hafta go out your way to coddle me when I'm sad. I have to deal with this my whole life and love isn't going to save me. You just do what you've always done for me and that'll be enough, no dropping your life to run to me unless I ask."

Well, MacKenzie liked the idea of being enough, at least. And anything that implied they still had a future... "Alright."

"And there's no need to walk on eggshells when I'm in a good mood, either. I remember Mom and Dad having trouble with that for a while. I mean, I know you don't know what it's like to have your parents fussing over you-"

"I think I might, actually," MacKenzie interrupted, and recounted the incidents over the past days of his parents being home more often and wanting to talk to him.

"Wow," Dalton raised a bemused eyebrow when Mack finished talking. "They're actually caring. Looks like something good _did_ come out of this."

"Oh, I can think something even better," MacKenzie grinned and leaned for their heads to touch. "It's like...we both know what we're capable of and how strong you can be."

"'m not perfect-"

"I know." MacKenzie touched his face, thankfully not feeling the zombie-like coolness from his nightmare. Dalton was here and warm and real. "But you're still the same funny, kind, talented, and sweet guy I got to know and eventually fell in love with."

Dalton rapidly blinked and his eyes spilled over, and for a moment MacKenzie feared he may've actually said the wrong thing...until the boy smiled. And it was the kind of smile you couldn't fake, that even touched your eyes and made the whole world beautiful.

"That was just what I wanted to hear," Dalton whispered as tears trickled by his happy smile. 

Suddenly the distance between them felt too much even if they were still sitting by each other. MacKenzie's heart had swollen over with love and he could've burst. "C'mere, babe," he murmured and reached to pull his boyfriend into his lap for a hug.

Dalton sat willingly even as he muttered, "Pretty sure I gained weight in the hospital."

"Don't care," Mack said as he snuggled his arms around and touched their cheeks together. Dalton's body and the things it did rocked his world and he loved this boy inside and out. 

He did, he really did. Thank goodness.

Dalton laughed softly and cupped his face. "I love you, too."

MacKenzie had lost all resistance. Eyes slightly shut, he closed the minimal distance between their faces for a kiss he'd missed like long stretches of summer miss the gentle rainfalls. Even if the taste was stained with tears, he felt the exact same soft spark he did on the very first kiss, the spark that told him he definitely liked guys and this wonderful guy in particular. If that wasn't a sign he and Dalton were meant to be through thick and thin he didn't know what.

Dalton didn't pull away from the kiss but pressed deeper, all soft sighs and tender touches. Every breath was suffused with warmth and MacKenzie could've melted from the affection. Neither of them were perfect, but this kiss, this moment, this silent affirmation of their love, certainly was.

It was Dalton who broke the kiss eventually, and both boys smiled as he dried his tears away. "We're good."

That wasn't a question. It didn't have to be. Mack nodded and pecked his boyfriend's forehead just because he could. "Wanna go outside?"

"Yeah, I think we've left those two alone long enough," Dalton teased and the two got off the chair.

Neither of them had to think twice about their hands linking as they headed for the garden.


	9. Epilogue

The day Dalton was slated to return to school, some friends along with MacKenzie came to the building early to decorate his locker. Such things usually only happened on a student's birthday and even then were closely monitored to prevent prankings, but this was a special occasion.

A bright blue cardboard square with gold letters proclaiming 'We love you Dalton' was affixed to the locker door, and surrounding that were glitter cutout balloons in lieu of the real thing, stickers of music notes, and doodles of symbols for spells of happiness and protection from probably every fantasy movie ever. MacKenzie stuck on one more sticker and stood back to admire the effect.

"That's not gonna be too much?" David, one of the friends, asked.

"Nope." Mack grinned as he took out his phone for a quick picture to keep as a memento. "This'll just be up long enough to give him a smile before class." At least, he hoped it would.

Eventually more students began trickling into the building, and while the friends stayed around the locker to keep the sign undamaged, MacKenzie gazed down the hallway in wait for Dalton to appear. He knew the boy would show up, but still had a butterfly-light flutter of worry.

Mack knew they both had changed, knew that Dalton told him the truth that he'd never be to blame for anything that happened to Dalton's emotions, but that didn't mean he was going to take his boyfriend for granted. _Even if love can't save you, Dalton, I'm going to. I promise._

A moment after a trio of junior girls had passed by the locker with an "awww!" (if there'd been any jerks snorting or making their typical stupid comments, well, Mack paid them no heed), the most beautiful sight in the world came around the corner, his parents close behind like they were bodyguarding the President. Even with his bookbag hugged to his chest, MacKenzie could see Dalton was in his favorite pink Ramones tee, and a chain hanging from the beltloop of some faded jeans swayed with every step. His bangs partly covered his eyes that were free of makeup today but didn't need it as they were bright as ever. And Dalton's smile, oh, that smile...

When Dalton neared the locker, he stopped in his tracks and covered his mouth although his "You guys!-" was audible and smile still visible. The friend group gathered around him for a hug and overlapped greetings, but MacKenzie stayed in his spot to let them have their moment. He knew he wasn't the only important person in Dalton's life.

Fran and Kiva, arguably the two most important, approached him and he asked while still grinning, "Giving the grand escort, huh?"

"He wanted to reassure us he'd be fine coming back. Looks like he was right," Fran said and looked to the group. After another moment Kiva squeezed in long enough to kiss her son's cheek and murmur something. When Dalton nodded, husband and wife joined hands to head back outside, and MacKenzie could practically see the weight lifted off their shoulders.

It was a great feeling to have parents who cared about you.

Soon Dalton wriggled out of the group hug and looped his bookbag on a shoulder to approach MacKenzie with his arms open wide. Up close the smile was still real. Everything about Dalton was real, even the less glamorous parts, but that was what love was about.

"Mmf-" Mack completed the hug and shut his eyes to let the other senses take over for a moment, everything from the solid strength of Dalton's arms to the gentle pulse of his heartbeat. All real.

"Thank you," Dalton whispered and kissed his cheek, "for everything," and MacKenzie knew that was real, too.


End file.
